I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
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