I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
