god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Your shirt... Was in my pants
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
