I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
