Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize