her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
