mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
