The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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