Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
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