i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
