I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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