the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
