So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
