Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
