Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
