There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
