last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
