you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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