Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
