So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
