the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Be still, my beating vagina.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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