We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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