Swine flu. Run for my life!
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
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