I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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