she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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