I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
