i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
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