if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
We are two peas in an std pod
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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