Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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