So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
