I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
