what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
i think my mom watched the whole time
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
