Me too!
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
