I just made out with a guy for $7.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
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