his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize