party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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