You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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