Im at strip club and am horny
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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