I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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