Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
