My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Who died my cat blue again?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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