You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
