wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize