just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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