Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
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