yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
