He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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