I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
