life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
