I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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