omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
