i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
