Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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