how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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