I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize