I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
