I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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