is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
