I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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