So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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